TaskHusky Curated Newsletter #032

Yo - 

Whew! Last week was super-busy. The end of the month always is … folks getting caught up on stuff and wanting tasks and stuff done at the last minute. Hey, no complaints! We love the work and July was good. How are you doing? Everything OK?

Hey … in addition to this week’s stories, I made up some jokes that I can neither confirm nor deny are actually funny. You’ll see them at the end of this email.

I’m in a weird mood, so brace yourself. Here are this week’s top stories.

1.  I Think We Need an Evil Villain Name for Jack Ma

I focus a lot of my trademark snarkiness on Amazon and Jeff Bezos ... largely because they deserve it. But Alibaba in China actually has similar eCommerce revenue and dominance. Amazon generated $233 billion in eCommerce sales last year, while Alibaba did something like $250 billion. They also both have payment gateways, technology platforms, and streaming media services. Now, as Amazon is positioning to do B2B eCommerce (Amazon Business), Alibaba is re-launching their own B2B thingy called Taobao. 

Read about the new Alibaba B2B platform on TechAsia

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It’s like Jack Ma is copying Bezos’ every move. Wait a minute … that’s perfect. Jack Ma is Jeff Bezos’ Mini-Me … he’s Jacky Mini Ma – not quite as evil but still rather annoying.

2.  The Prize for Worst Website Viewing Experience Goes to ….

Forbes.com ... congratulations!

Holy freaking mother of crap.

39-second full-page load! (I’m not even certain it’s done yet)

First Paint … up to 20.6 seconds!

18.4 MB

1006 external calls (that’s NOT a typo … it’s a new record)!

More Java than every Starbucks on the planet.

I just wanted to read the stupid article. When your webpage spins up the cooling fans on an 8-core MacBook Pro you're doing internet wrong.

Boy am I a sucker! I saw the title “3 E-Commerce Trends Leading The Way In 2019” and wanted to take a peek. And what’s worse, the article was so NOT worth the click-bait headline.

Brothers and Sisters, 

here’s the link

, but please … PLEASE … don’t put yourselves through the misery.

And yea, I sent Forbes a note to tell them about it because no one should treat their readers/ customers that way. If you have page speed problems, just let us know. We help good folks who care about real people fix crap like that.

3.  Strangest Thing for Sale on eBay Right Now

I can’t help myself … I’m in a really strange mood. So, speaking of strange, some guy is making real prosthetic human eyes into cufflinks and selling them. Ahem ....

• You should see what you’re missing.

• If they get dirty, I suppose you clean them with Visine.

• When you meet a guy like that, make sure you look him right in the cufflinks.

If you end up buying them

, do NOT tell me about it.

4.  Shopify Had Their Earnings Call Today

I write these things on Monday, and the markets were a mess today, which is a real shame in more ways than one. All public companies have quarterly earnings calls where they talk to analysts and major shareholders and use big words and accounting acronyms in order to be as opaque and unintelligible as possible without breaking any securities laws. It a fun time.

Anywho … if this had been a “normal” Monday in August, Shopify beating their quarterly earnings estimates would have been big-boy news. Revenue for the quarter was up by a whopping 48%. There’s no denying it … they crushed it. But, the looming trade scuffle and China artificially devaluing their currency caused the markets to collectively shudder and gasp like a group of teenage girls at a horror flick. So, instead of being rewarded with a surging stock price, shares were down 3.25% – whereupon Shopify CEO Tobi Lütke held his breath, stomped his foot, and refused to eat his vegetables before remembering that he is, in fact, still very very rich.

Read about it on Yahoo Finance

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5.  I Made Up Some eCommerce Jokes

With all the craziness in the world, feels like we need a little light-hearted fun. So, I made up some really really really bad jokes.

Q: How does Darth Zuckerberg change a light bulb?

A: That’s what you buy Senators for.

Q: How does Jeffy “Baggy-Pants” Bezos screw in a light bulb?

A: He holds the light bulb and runs around on his wife.

Did you hear about the preacher who couldn’t sell bibles online? He didn’t get any conversions.

Q: How do you get a guaranteed $1 million in sales from Facebook ads?

A: Spend $2 million.

Funny? Well, I guarantee that those jokes are worth every penny you paid for them. But they made me chuckle a bit, so life’s good.

You can make life good for someone else too. Share this email with someone who needs eCommerce stuff, a good laugh, or both.

Happy Selling,

Zachary